I was thinking, i guess, about beauty and how we, as women, see ourselves. I only actually know how i see myself. I see myself as short and fat. very square-ish and rather Oompa Loompa ish. i know there is this whole deal out there about not using the term fat and such against ourselves but i wouldn't be being honest if i didn't. I see myself quite a bit larger than i am, and deformed, crooked. I suppose that might be seen as a minor case of body dismorphia but i don't know.
What i know is that i am not, never was, and never will be a beauty. i'll never be an hour glass figure that i grew up seeing as beautiful. i will never be that tall, skinny, sexy chick that turns heads when i walk in the room. Do i want that? yeah, i kinda do. I do not want to be thought of and treated as some sex toy for men but i do want to be That Girl (or Lady or Woman).
My mirror and i are not close friends. i do not enjoy looking at myself in it. I see those grey hairs, extra chins, dark circles and or bags under my eyes. i see chicken wings and back fat and cellulose and flat ass and muffin top. i see stretch marks and varicose or spider veins. I see everything lacking. This is on a good day. so my mirror and i don't hang out much. just tonight i realized that my chipped front tooth was kind of a Snaggle Tooth. oh yea, great! that makes me wanna smile more. NOT!
All this makes it hard to be self confident and have good self worth. and it makes it hard to teach it to my daughter. I have always been one of those, "i love sexy clothes!" kinda girls. I love lacy undies and bras that show off the best of whatever the girls are working that day but they only work for me if i never look at myself in them. i can look down and say, "yup, they fit. not bad" but sure as i look in that damn mirror they are off and stuffed in a bag, buried deep in my closet for a few millinea or till i find them in the next pack-out prep. My friends are my yoga pants and T's or tank tops. Give me a stretched out comfy shirt that gives the vague illusion of the possibility of something beautiful and desirable underneath and, believe me, a man's brain does the rest of the work.
All this makes it hard to be self confident and have good self worth. and it makes it hard to teach it to my daughter. I have always been one of those, "i love sexy clothes!" kinda girls. I love lacy undies and bras that show off the best of whatever the girls are working that day but they only work for me if i never look at myself in them. i can look down and say, "yup, they fit. not bad" but sure as i look in that damn mirror they are off and stuffed in a bag, buried deep in my closet for a few millinea or till i find them in the next pack-out prep. My friends are my yoga pants and T's or tank tops. Give me a stretched out comfy shirt that gives the vague illusion of the possibility of something beautiful and desirable underneath and, believe me, a man's brain does the rest of the work.
I think women are very hard on themselves, too hard. Then we went to Italy where you find Much! older women in sexy short skirts and heels and flaunting their gorgeousness because they knew they looked good, even when it was questionable to all the foreigners around. Italian women, and i think the French as well, had a head start because they are just gorgeous anyway, but then they have this confidence that can stupefy a man from across the road and half a block away. One lil swish of the skirt and WHAM! the poor fool has been hit with Hammer of Hotness.
Somehow we, the lesser of the female gender, the "Not Marilyn Monroe/Dita Von Tease/Jane Russell/Sophia Loren...." of the world need to figure it out. Because those stupid fashion magazines I'm addicted to won't help. The stores with pretty clothes that don't fit my 5'1", 148 pound frame and look a lot less pretty on me don't help. And aging isn't much help either.
I know i can move into the better diet + serious exercise= weight loss and better health stuff but i'm talking about the "Look in the mirror while you are naked and say Damn Girl! you are hot!" yeah, how many of us out there can actually do that and not feel the need for a strong drink afterwards? If you can then good for you because this place here on the sidelines of sexiness sucks.
Somehow we, the lesser of the female gender, the "Not Marilyn Monroe/Dita Von Tease/Jane Russell/Sophia Loren...." of the world need to figure it out. Because those stupid fashion magazines I'm addicted to won't help. The stores with pretty clothes that don't fit my 5'1", 148 pound frame and look a lot less pretty on me don't help. And aging isn't much help either.
I know i can move into the better diet + serious exercise= weight loss and better health stuff but i'm talking about the "Look in the mirror while you are naked and say Damn Girl! you are hot!" yeah, how many of us out there can actually do that and not feel the need for a strong drink afterwards? If you can then good for you because this place here on the sidelines of sexiness sucks.
You're wrong. As your brother, I am going to tell you what people always told me not to tell you: You're beautiful and you always have been. All sorts of people have told me this since you and I were kids, and I never understood why they said "Don't tell her I said that!" I always thought it would make you feel good about yourself. Of course, maybe you wouldn't have listened to them, or cared what they said; you do that a lot. That's it! You intimidated them. Way to go, sis! Sheesh .....
ReplyDeleteBTW, your page looks really pretty, but that font is really hard to read!
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