Wednesday, March 5, 2014
18 unintentional life lessons in 1 tired conversations with my daughter
A few nights ago we attended a dinner out with peers of my husband. It lasted about 5.5 hours and the kids had a difficult time. They were concerned, uncomfortable, and nervous. But they did well, considering Jules fell asleep on the table after dinner.
Once our end of the table either left or moved off to the other corner, thus leaving EC and I alone with a sleeping Juj, so we did as women do. We talked. She started with how nervous it made her that the people who spoke with her (who were very nice) asked her straight off the bat about school, college (their 3rd question) and then religion and church (about questions 10-12). She felt very Put-On-The-Spot.
From there we just progressed. By the end of the night she had told me several times i should write motivational posters and when we got home she wrote me a list of 18 lessons i taught her. I told her i'd try to blog them so this is for E.
1: Everything is choices.
I'm starting with CHOICES, because i believe everything starts there. Short of doing everything "right" and then getting sick, losing your job, and winding up homeless i believe that almost everything in our lives is a choice. I used that and the college thing as examples with E. If she goes to Uni and learns her major is not what she hoped or liked she can choose to change and do something else. If her job, her relationship, whatever is bad, unfulfilling, toxic...she can choose to change and do something else.
Which i guess leads me to
2: It's not over til your dead
That's the starting over thing. we've seen stories of people in their 80's who just start learning to read, who graduate college, or maybe just the sixth grade. We see people who lose lots of weight, leave abusive relationships, get off drugs and alcohol...because your life isn't over until you are dead so stop living like you are already gone.
I know that sounds stupid cause i wallow in depression and/or self-pity myself, but seriously. Stop giving up.
3: Never begin with "I can't"
stop setting yourself up for failure. Sometimes we psych ourselves out and then we just fail. It's nice to have people who have confidence in you but having confidence in yourself is so much better, and more important. Be your own cheerleader because if you don't give yourself the best who will?
4 and 5: Stop Bitching and Let Go and Let God
I think these go together. Because life gets tough. Days get hard. somethings Freaking SUCK! and we get stressed and we can yell and scream and curse and blame. We blame our loved ones, our kids, our jobs, our choices, God....Or....we can go, "well, that sucks" and let go and let God handle it. Because, even if we don't talk to him or with him or at him, or even believe in him i believe He's listening and knows.
this morning after dropping E off at the bus stop i turned around to go home in a drive way, backed into snow and onto ice and got stuck. I used the F word some but i did have a car behind me, a school bus behind it, and my daughter's bus in front of me. I flipped out a lil bit, opened my door, assessed the situation, backed up twice more and got right out. The bus driver smiled and waved.
6: This isn't the end
i think this probably went with "It's not over til your dead". Stop being fatalistic. not getting the part, the job, the grade, the whatever is not going to end your world. Dust Bunnies, dirty dishes, trash cans full, cluttered spaces....not the end of the world. If you don't get your way, your new IPOD, your new clothes, if the people in your house aren't treating you like the God or Goddess you think you are... well on that last one Get Over Yourself! because it's not the end of the world.
that might be a good place to look back at the previous thoughts. You, yeah you, Diva! Jerk-Wad, whomever, Stop Bitching, make new choices, let go and Let God, say you can and do better by yourself.
7: It's not a dead end or a road block.
maybe the last one was this, i dunno, but i think so. When you are trying real hard and you hit that road block or dead end, the one that pissed you off up in # 4-5 you need to stop. stop and breathe. Catch your breath. It might be more of a suggestion to change your direction. Perhaps straight up the hill to the top (because perhaps you are trying be succeed at everything in your life and be perfect) will lead you straight off a cliff. Maybe if you stop, back up, look at your options, and go the long way around you will see inch worms, and flowers, and birds, and deer, and after you've seen a bunch of beautiful stuff that wasn't on your other path you find yourself somewhere even better and higher up than what you thought you were aiming at. Who knows, you might like it a lot better, too.
~~ btw, the cliff thing happened to me. a few of us jumped in a guy's jeep to go mudding. We came zipping up a hill to find a big tree in the way so we had to turn back and go a different way. The next day the driver went back to move the tree and found a HUGE drop-off. We coulda been killed if that tree wasn't there.
8: Take it all in
Have you ever gone on a walk with someone with real freakin long legs who walks way too fast and leaves you behind? yeah. All too often. When that happens (ed) with me and my kids we slow down. Let Speedy Pants go on. We see dandelions pushing their way up to sunlight through sidewalk cracks. We play with inchworms (i love inch worms). We listen to the birds and try to find them in the trees. We watch for frogs. We help over-turned turtles. We make up songs about our walk. We describe the colours of the houses or grass or sky. We see things in the clouds. And we wouldn't have if we'd run to catch up, leaving us breathless and winded. And we wouldn't have had any fun.
9: Don't miss a moment
I don't remember what that was about but it sounds very much like #8, doesn't it? hmm...
10: Everyone learns differently
I am a poor student. I learn best in a traditional class where i hear it being said, I write it as i say it to myself, and i either copy it again Or i do it. That's my learning style. I would rather get all of my teeth root canalled than sit through most lectures and believe most lecturers should be required to take singing lessons so there is some sort of variation in their voice so as not to induce comas.
I think we, all too often, think that people have to learn in our styles and so we teach that way. Stop it! (okay, i'm getting grumpy. I'm on a freaking diety cleansey thing and i'm starving. sorry) be patient, learn their learning style, maybe you'll learn something too.
11: You are here to help. Push them higher, not harder.
Does that even need explanation? i constantly repeat myself with "don't be aggressive, be assertive" or "there is criticism and constructive criticism". Does that make sense? To some people that i know it doesn't and they refuse to believe in it. Too bad for them because i know they are not building allies when they are aggressive and critical. Think about when you were a kid. Did this happen to you? One time you get told, " (insert name), it's bed/dinner time. Clean up the toys and wash up". smiling face, nice voice. another time you get, "Get these damn toys picked up and wash up! It's bed/dinner time!" yelling, angry, aggressive. Do you remember how it feels? Do you still live with that aggressive, critical voice inside you? because that voice crawls inside us like a parasite and eats away at our self confidence, self, value, and self worth.
We are supposed to lead by example. not just our kids, our students, but as a human being, sharing the Earth and oxygen and space around us. If you have to be first and walk ahead of everyone else, stop when you get to a hill and turn around. This is the time to reach down and pull everyone else up.
12: Have someone with you on the journey
Life is a journey. Oh! there's a cliche for you!!! and if it's more like life is a daily freakin grind so you can go mountain climbing in 3 weeks then, hey, that works. Take someone with you on the journey. Whether physically, emotionally, spiritually...take someone with you. Even Timmy had Lassie, right? If only to hold the camera when you get to the top...no. not really. You need someone. We all need someone. For those long quiet days, both the pleasantly peaceful ones and the soul-sucking ones. Through the glorious afternoons of sun and adventures and the dark scary nights fighting off the demons we mighta brought along. If we get hurt or lost. If we get frightened, when we are elated. During the pain of losing or the joy of succeeding. We need someone to share that with. Someone who will only support you and love you and cheer for you and celebrate you. And they need you too, because you are on their journey as well.
13: A constant incline can send you falling backwards
of course it was getting very late and i don't remember but i'll try to give you at least the analogies i used to make this point.
Imagine you have worked your butt off in school, from K to 12, to be the perfect student. Never miss a day, never be sick even when you are, perfect grades, perfect everything. College. no time for parties and not much for hanging out. Wanna graduate early and top of the class. Perfect job, perfect family, perfect perfectness every single day or every single year of your life. But it's hard. You are basically running uphill from the time you are 5. Non-stop, don't breathe, keep running, faster, be better, be the best, win! Win! WIN!!! And somewhere underneath a lil voice says, "i'm really tired".
Or
After 4 kids (or 2 kids. or 1 kid) you've put on weight and you exercise and you quit eating carbs and sugar and soda and you are exhausted but you keep up the hard work. You've lost some but, Crap! something is going wrong. stress? relationship? illness? death? and you eat. Cause apparently it's what we do. We bring food to those we care about. And it gets eaten.
If you constantly go upwards and never stop for a breath you can lose your footing and fall. That's where that friend on your journey can help. So look for a plateau.
14: A plateau is just that, it's a pause
When we were in Italy we went to a mountain top in July. Way the heck up there. I was terrified. In a ski lift and in a gondola. Then some on foot. I was exhausted. Up up up, and i couldn't catch my breath. but then we came to a plateau. And it was wonderful. Not only did it have the most beautiful view of the towns like little faerie villages, but flowers i hadn't noticed, i could taste the air. It was sweet and pure. I could catch my breath. We had a snack and the kids played. People were sunning themselves. It was the perfect way to regroup before we soldiered on. Of course, in that case we then walked down the mountain. But if we hadn't had a plateau before the next part of our journey i don't know how i would have made it.
15: Perfect isn't real.
for the Christians out there (okay i know there is like only 2 or 3 people who read this and only 1 is Christian) no one is perfect or ever was, right? except..... right. And unless you think we are a God or son-thereof we aren't either. And we aren't meant to be. Oh, and if you think you are Godlike then you are also delusional and ought to seek help. There is nothing about you, personally that is perfect. If you do the mirror test, separating the left and right sides of your body you will see you are not symmetrical, thus not perfect. Things didn't go exactly as you planned? cause life isn't perfect.
I sometimes say I'm perfect in my imperfections. I may gripe about not being tall, skinny, young, sexy, brilliant.....blahblahblah but i'm okay. i have scars, i have a crooked spine and slanted neck. I have bad eyes. but that's okay. I'm not perfect. I don't want to be.
I have this collection of bowls. I have my ugly bowl i bought for 2$ at an event. It's been broken and glued back together. I have my vintage pink and white bowl. Also glued. and another bowl, glued. And this one...glued? nope. but chipped. I love my broken bowls. I love crooked cups. I like looking at the imperfects in ceramic and glass shops. Nothing in it perfect. And i love them all better than a set of undinged, perfect bowls and cups.
16: Perfect would suck
this had more to do with individuality than perfection. If you/they/whomever (think Middle and HS girls) have decided what is perfect and everyone works to achieve that than that would suck. I mean, they don't need to because the modelling and fashion world has done that for us. That's why we have sick, anorexic, bulimic kids literally dying to be the best and be perfect. Then you read stories of models killing themselves because of the pressure. Why would we strive for perfect when perfect doesn't exist. The thigh gap? really? the hourglass figure? the perfect tan even? the things we stupidly do to get accepted and reach an unattainable goal. Perfect would be boring and it sucks. Love your imperfections and uniqueness.
17: You aren't perfect but you are vital
I do not remember saying that but i agree. And i don't know what to say on it.
Since perfect is not real and you are then be the best you you can be. Are you a softy? Do you care too much? Do you give too much? Do you cry too easily for those you love? then you aren't perfect. You are better. You are human.
18: Remember how it feels
remember way back in number 11? that kid who just got yelled at? the one who didn't? Do you remember hearing 1 kid get an, "I love you" but you didn't? Do you remember doing all the work when someone else got to sit down and do no work? Do you remember when you won and Mom (or Dad, or Grandma...) was super proud of you and told everyone. Including the bank teller, dentist, grocery bagger, mailman, vet....?
Hold on to that the next time a child comes to you. You are an adult an you are in the position or raising up or dashing down a child's soul. And it might not be a child. Maybe a teen. Or another adult. Remember how it feels when you are hurt, when people are mean and rude to you. When people are kind to you, or smile at you and hold the door for you.
19: This loves you. This has feelings. Nothing is more important
you know, we as adults have our signals all messed up. We think our lives are so important and that we are more important than those around us. Too often "those around us" are our children. How often are we on the stupid computer, on the phone, watching tv, playing a video game, reading a book, whatever and we ignore our kid. Or we "listen" to them in that way that we are present with them and just agree but don't actually hear what they've said. And when we get interrupted from our precious whatever, usually in our "ME" time, or we don't know what the kid is talking about (even though they've said it repeatedly for weeks-"it's a field trip and the permission slip isn't signed. you said you'd pay but you didn't and now i have to sit in ISS unless you do") how do we react? Screaming too easily comes to mind. And maybe not our kid, maybe our spouse, our parent, sibling, niece or nephew, neighbor.... but just think, our kid.
or someone we love, we tell them we love them so why aren't we showing them?
Does your book and video game and snack and beer and computer get hurt when you ignore it? when you yell at it? when you treat it like it's unimportant, as if it were an inanimate object?
Does your child? does your spouse. Does anyone around you? Next time you yell and scream at your child or loved one watch their face. Is that the sense of love you've given them? Do they look like they feel loved?
Every time we put our child in that position we are hurting them. We do not hurt the ones we love. Love doesn't hurt.
So, E said 18. I wrote 19 and one is actually doubled up, so that's 20. But there it is.
Once our end of the table either left or moved off to the other corner, thus leaving EC and I alone with a sleeping Juj, so we did as women do. We talked. She started with how nervous it made her that the people who spoke with her (who were very nice) asked her straight off the bat about school, college (their 3rd question) and then religion and church (about questions 10-12). She felt very Put-On-The-Spot.
From there we just progressed. By the end of the night she had told me several times i should write motivational posters and when we got home she wrote me a list of 18 lessons i taught her. I told her i'd try to blog them so this is for E.
1: Everything is choices.
I'm starting with CHOICES, because i believe everything starts there. Short of doing everything "right" and then getting sick, losing your job, and winding up homeless i believe that almost everything in our lives is a choice. I used that and the college thing as examples with E. If she goes to Uni and learns her major is not what she hoped or liked she can choose to change and do something else. If her job, her relationship, whatever is bad, unfulfilling, toxic...she can choose to change and do something else.
Which i guess leads me to
2: It's not over til your dead
That's the starting over thing. we've seen stories of people in their 80's who just start learning to read, who graduate college, or maybe just the sixth grade. We see people who lose lots of weight, leave abusive relationships, get off drugs and alcohol...because your life isn't over until you are dead so stop living like you are already gone.
I know that sounds stupid cause i wallow in depression and/or self-pity myself, but seriously. Stop giving up.
3: Never begin with "I can't"
stop setting yourself up for failure. Sometimes we psych ourselves out and then we just fail. It's nice to have people who have confidence in you but having confidence in yourself is so much better, and more important. Be your own cheerleader because if you don't give yourself the best who will?
4 and 5: Stop Bitching and Let Go and Let God
I think these go together. Because life gets tough. Days get hard. somethings Freaking SUCK! and we get stressed and we can yell and scream and curse and blame. We blame our loved ones, our kids, our jobs, our choices, God....Or....we can go, "well, that sucks" and let go and let God handle it. Because, even if we don't talk to him or with him or at him, or even believe in him i believe He's listening and knows.
this morning after dropping E off at the bus stop i turned around to go home in a drive way, backed into snow and onto ice and got stuck. I used the F word some but i did have a car behind me, a school bus behind it, and my daughter's bus in front of me. I flipped out a lil bit, opened my door, assessed the situation, backed up twice more and got right out. The bus driver smiled and waved.
6: This isn't the end
i think this probably went with "It's not over til your dead". Stop being fatalistic. not getting the part, the job, the grade, the whatever is not going to end your world. Dust Bunnies, dirty dishes, trash cans full, cluttered spaces....not the end of the world. If you don't get your way, your new IPOD, your new clothes, if the people in your house aren't treating you like the God or Goddess you think you are... well on that last one Get Over Yourself! because it's not the end of the world.
that might be a good place to look back at the previous thoughts. You, yeah you, Diva! Jerk-Wad, whomever, Stop Bitching, make new choices, let go and Let God, say you can and do better by yourself.
7: It's not a dead end or a road block.
maybe the last one was this, i dunno, but i think so. When you are trying real hard and you hit that road block or dead end, the one that pissed you off up in # 4-5 you need to stop. stop and breathe. Catch your breath. It might be more of a suggestion to change your direction. Perhaps straight up the hill to the top (because perhaps you are trying be succeed at everything in your life and be perfect) will lead you straight off a cliff. Maybe if you stop, back up, look at your options, and go the long way around you will see inch worms, and flowers, and birds, and deer, and after you've seen a bunch of beautiful stuff that wasn't on your other path you find yourself somewhere even better and higher up than what you thought you were aiming at. Who knows, you might like it a lot better, too.
~~ btw, the cliff thing happened to me. a few of us jumped in a guy's jeep to go mudding. We came zipping up a hill to find a big tree in the way so we had to turn back and go a different way. The next day the driver went back to move the tree and found a HUGE drop-off. We coulda been killed if that tree wasn't there.
8: Take it all in
Have you ever gone on a walk with someone with real freakin long legs who walks way too fast and leaves you behind? yeah. All too often. When that happens (ed) with me and my kids we slow down. Let Speedy Pants go on. We see dandelions pushing their way up to sunlight through sidewalk cracks. We play with inchworms (i love inch worms). We listen to the birds and try to find them in the trees. We watch for frogs. We help over-turned turtles. We make up songs about our walk. We describe the colours of the houses or grass or sky. We see things in the clouds. And we wouldn't have if we'd run to catch up, leaving us breathless and winded. And we wouldn't have had any fun.
9: Don't miss a moment
I don't remember what that was about but it sounds very much like #8, doesn't it? hmm...
10: Everyone learns differently
I am a poor student. I learn best in a traditional class where i hear it being said, I write it as i say it to myself, and i either copy it again Or i do it. That's my learning style. I would rather get all of my teeth root canalled than sit through most lectures and believe most lecturers should be required to take singing lessons so there is some sort of variation in their voice so as not to induce comas.
I think we, all too often, think that people have to learn in our styles and so we teach that way. Stop it! (okay, i'm getting grumpy. I'm on a freaking diety cleansey thing and i'm starving. sorry) be patient, learn their learning style, maybe you'll learn something too.
11: You are here to help. Push them higher, not harder.
Does that even need explanation? i constantly repeat myself with "don't be aggressive, be assertive" or "there is criticism and constructive criticism". Does that make sense? To some people that i know it doesn't and they refuse to believe in it. Too bad for them because i know they are not building allies when they are aggressive and critical. Think about when you were a kid. Did this happen to you? One time you get told, " (insert name), it's bed/dinner time. Clean up the toys and wash up". smiling face, nice voice. another time you get, "Get these damn toys picked up and wash up! It's bed/dinner time!" yelling, angry, aggressive. Do you remember how it feels? Do you still live with that aggressive, critical voice inside you? because that voice crawls inside us like a parasite and eats away at our self confidence, self, value, and self worth.
We are supposed to lead by example. not just our kids, our students, but as a human being, sharing the Earth and oxygen and space around us. If you have to be first and walk ahead of everyone else, stop when you get to a hill and turn around. This is the time to reach down and pull everyone else up.
12: Have someone with you on the journey
Life is a journey. Oh! there's a cliche for you!!! and if it's more like life is a daily freakin grind so you can go mountain climbing in 3 weeks then, hey, that works. Take someone with you on the journey. Whether physically, emotionally, spiritually...take someone with you. Even Timmy had Lassie, right? If only to hold the camera when you get to the top...no. not really. You need someone. We all need someone. For those long quiet days, both the pleasantly peaceful ones and the soul-sucking ones. Through the glorious afternoons of sun and adventures and the dark scary nights fighting off the demons we mighta brought along. If we get hurt or lost. If we get frightened, when we are elated. During the pain of losing or the joy of succeeding. We need someone to share that with. Someone who will only support you and love you and cheer for you and celebrate you. And they need you too, because you are on their journey as well.
13: A constant incline can send you falling backwards
of course it was getting very late and i don't remember but i'll try to give you at least the analogies i used to make this point.
Imagine you have worked your butt off in school, from K to 12, to be the perfect student. Never miss a day, never be sick even when you are, perfect grades, perfect everything. College. no time for parties and not much for hanging out. Wanna graduate early and top of the class. Perfect job, perfect family, perfect perfectness every single day or every single year of your life. But it's hard. You are basically running uphill from the time you are 5. Non-stop, don't breathe, keep running, faster, be better, be the best, win! Win! WIN!!! And somewhere underneath a lil voice says, "i'm really tired".
Or
After 4 kids (or 2 kids. or 1 kid) you've put on weight and you exercise and you quit eating carbs and sugar and soda and you are exhausted but you keep up the hard work. You've lost some but, Crap! something is going wrong. stress? relationship? illness? death? and you eat. Cause apparently it's what we do. We bring food to those we care about. And it gets eaten.
If you constantly go upwards and never stop for a breath you can lose your footing and fall. That's where that friend on your journey can help. So look for a plateau.
14: A plateau is just that, it's a pause
When we were in Italy we went to a mountain top in July. Way the heck up there. I was terrified. In a ski lift and in a gondola. Then some on foot. I was exhausted. Up up up, and i couldn't catch my breath. but then we came to a plateau. And it was wonderful. Not only did it have the most beautiful view of the towns like little faerie villages, but flowers i hadn't noticed, i could taste the air. It was sweet and pure. I could catch my breath. We had a snack and the kids played. People were sunning themselves. It was the perfect way to regroup before we soldiered on. Of course, in that case we then walked down the mountain. But if we hadn't had a plateau before the next part of our journey i don't know how i would have made it.
15: Perfect isn't real.
for the Christians out there (okay i know there is like only 2 or 3 people who read this and only 1 is Christian) no one is perfect or ever was, right? except..... right. And unless you think we are a God or son-thereof we aren't either. And we aren't meant to be. Oh, and if you think you are Godlike then you are also delusional and ought to seek help. There is nothing about you, personally that is perfect. If you do the mirror test, separating the left and right sides of your body you will see you are not symmetrical, thus not perfect. Things didn't go exactly as you planned? cause life isn't perfect.
I sometimes say I'm perfect in my imperfections. I may gripe about not being tall, skinny, young, sexy, brilliant.....blahblahblah but i'm okay. i have scars, i have a crooked spine and slanted neck. I have bad eyes. but that's okay. I'm not perfect. I don't want to be.
I have this collection of bowls. I have my ugly bowl i bought for 2$ at an event. It's been broken and glued back together. I have my vintage pink and white bowl. Also glued. and another bowl, glued. And this one...glued? nope. but chipped. I love my broken bowls. I love crooked cups. I like looking at the imperfects in ceramic and glass shops. Nothing in it perfect. And i love them all better than a set of undinged, perfect bowls and cups.
16: Perfect would suck
this had more to do with individuality than perfection. If you/they/whomever (think Middle and HS girls) have decided what is perfect and everyone works to achieve that than that would suck. I mean, they don't need to because the modelling and fashion world has done that for us. That's why we have sick, anorexic, bulimic kids literally dying to be the best and be perfect. Then you read stories of models killing themselves because of the pressure. Why would we strive for perfect when perfect doesn't exist. The thigh gap? really? the hourglass figure? the perfect tan even? the things we stupidly do to get accepted and reach an unattainable goal. Perfect would be boring and it sucks. Love your imperfections and uniqueness.
17: You aren't perfect but you are vital
I do not remember saying that but i agree. And i don't know what to say on it.
Since perfect is not real and you are then be the best you you can be. Are you a softy? Do you care too much? Do you give too much? Do you cry too easily for those you love? then you aren't perfect. You are better. You are human.
18: Remember how it feels
remember way back in number 11? that kid who just got yelled at? the one who didn't? Do you remember hearing 1 kid get an, "I love you" but you didn't? Do you remember doing all the work when someone else got to sit down and do no work? Do you remember when you won and Mom (or Dad, or Grandma...) was super proud of you and told everyone. Including the bank teller, dentist, grocery bagger, mailman, vet....?
Hold on to that the next time a child comes to you. You are an adult an you are in the position or raising up or dashing down a child's soul. And it might not be a child. Maybe a teen. Or another adult. Remember how it feels when you are hurt, when people are mean and rude to you. When people are kind to you, or smile at you and hold the door for you.
19: This loves you. This has feelings. Nothing is more important
you know, we as adults have our signals all messed up. We think our lives are so important and that we are more important than those around us. Too often "those around us" are our children. How often are we on the stupid computer, on the phone, watching tv, playing a video game, reading a book, whatever and we ignore our kid. Or we "listen" to them in that way that we are present with them and just agree but don't actually hear what they've said. And when we get interrupted from our precious whatever, usually in our "ME" time, or we don't know what the kid is talking about (even though they've said it repeatedly for weeks-"it's a field trip and the permission slip isn't signed. you said you'd pay but you didn't and now i have to sit in ISS unless you do") how do we react? Screaming too easily comes to mind. And maybe not our kid, maybe our spouse, our parent, sibling, niece or nephew, neighbor.... but just think, our kid.
or someone we love, we tell them we love them so why aren't we showing them?
Does your book and video game and snack and beer and computer get hurt when you ignore it? when you yell at it? when you treat it like it's unimportant, as if it were an inanimate object?
Does your child? does your spouse. Does anyone around you? Next time you yell and scream at your child or loved one watch their face. Is that the sense of love you've given them? Do they look like they feel loved?
Every time we put our child in that position we are hurting them. We do not hurt the ones we love. Love doesn't hurt.
So, E said 18. I wrote 19 and one is actually doubled up, so that's 20. But there it is.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
it's not my mirror's fault
for some reason my mind wandered this way the other night and, though (in my exhausted stupor) i thought what i was saying sounded well-said, i can pretty much guarantee you this post will not be nearly as eloquent.
I was thinking, i guess, about beauty and how we, as women, see ourselves. I only actually know how i see myself. I see myself as short and fat. very square-ish and rather Oompa Loompa ish. i know there is this whole deal out there about not using the term fat and such against ourselves but i wouldn't be being honest if i didn't. I see myself quite a bit larger than i am, and deformed, crooked. I suppose that might be seen as a minor case of body dismorphia but i don't know.
What i know is that i am not, never was, and never will be a beauty. i'll never be an hour glass figure that i grew up seeing as beautiful. i will never be that tall, skinny, sexy chick that turns heads when i walk in the room. Do i want that? yeah, i kinda do. I do not want to be thought of and treated as some sex toy for men but i do want to be That Girl (or Lady or Woman).
My mirror and i are not close friends. i do not enjoy looking at myself in it. I see those grey hairs, extra chins, dark circles and or bags under my eyes. i see chicken wings and back fat and cellulose and flat ass and muffin top. i see stretch marks and varicose or spider veins. I see everything lacking. This is on a good day. so my mirror and i don't hang out much. just tonight i realized that my chipped front tooth was kind of a Snaggle Tooth. oh yea, great! that makes me wanna smile more. NOT!
All this makes it hard to be self confident and have good self worth. and it makes it hard to teach it to my daughter. I have always been one of those, "i love sexy clothes!" kinda girls. I love lacy undies and bras that show off the best of whatever the girls are working that day but they only work for me if i never look at myself in them. i can look down and say, "yup, they fit. not bad" but sure as i look in that damn mirror they are off and stuffed in a bag, buried deep in my closet for a few millinea or till i find them in the next pack-out prep. My friends are my yoga pants and T's or tank tops. Give me a stretched out comfy shirt that gives the vague illusion of the possibility of something beautiful and desirable underneath and, believe me, a man's brain does the rest of the work.
All this makes it hard to be self confident and have good self worth. and it makes it hard to teach it to my daughter. I have always been one of those, "i love sexy clothes!" kinda girls. I love lacy undies and bras that show off the best of whatever the girls are working that day but they only work for me if i never look at myself in them. i can look down and say, "yup, they fit. not bad" but sure as i look in that damn mirror they are off and stuffed in a bag, buried deep in my closet for a few millinea or till i find them in the next pack-out prep. My friends are my yoga pants and T's or tank tops. Give me a stretched out comfy shirt that gives the vague illusion of the possibility of something beautiful and desirable underneath and, believe me, a man's brain does the rest of the work.
I think women are very hard on themselves, too hard. Then we went to Italy where you find Much! older women in sexy short skirts and heels and flaunting their gorgeousness because they knew they looked good, even when it was questionable to all the foreigners around. Italian women, and i think the French as well, had a head start because they are just gorgeous anyway, but then they have this confidence that can stupefy a man from across the road and half a block away. One lil swish of the skirt and WHAM! the poor fool has been hit with Hammer of Hotness.
Somehow we, the lesser of the female gender, the "Not Marilyn Monroe/Dita Von Tease/Jane Russell/Sophia Loren...." of the world need to figure it out. Because those stupid fashion magazines I'm addicted to won't help. The stores with pretty clothes that don't fit my 5'1", 148 pound frame and look a lot less pretty on me don't help. And aging isn't much help either.
I know i can move into the better diet + serious exercise= weight loss and better health stuff but i'm talking about the "Look in the mirror while you are naked and say Damn Girl! you are hot!" yeah, how many of us out there can actually do that and not feel the need for a strong drink afterwards? If you can then good for you because this place here on the sidelines of sexiness sucks.
Somehow we, the lesser of the female gender, the "Not Marilyn Monroe/Dita Von Tease/Jane Russell/Sophia Loren...." of the world need to figure it out. Because those stupid fashion magazines I'm addicted to won't help. The stores with pretty clothes that don't fit my 5'1", 148 pound frame and look a lot less pretty on me don't help. And aging isn't much help either.
I know i can move into the better diet + serious exercise= weight loss and better health stuff but i'm talking about the "Look in the mirror while you are naked and say Damn Girl! you are hot!" yeah, how many of us out there can actually do that and not feel the need for a strong drink afterwards? If you can then good for you because this place here on the sidelines of sexiness sucks.
God listens
...though he's picky about what he gives us. He's given me a lot of what i thought i wanted. Often as a lesson for being selfish and demanding but none the less, there it was, whatever i wanted.
Something else he listened to was my desire for a daughter. I was unmarried and "dating" around. I said repeatedly that i wanted a lil girl when my youngest boy turned 7. Then i met a guy i had no right to be seeing and got pregnant. My son turned 7 in March and she was borne in June. And here's the clincher, i was told i was pregnant. Very literally within minutes of "the act" i was told, yes a voice in my head, "yes you are and it's okay" and i knew. A complete sense of peace washed over me. I wasn't freaked out because, yes this sounds all very weird and like i drink too much, this was the second time it happened. The speaking i mean. but those are other stories and i digress. The point is God listens. i believe that. And i just felt like i needed to say it.
What made me think of this was that i was listening to people speak at a convention where my hub was the guest speaker. One person asked or said something to the effect of, "did anyone know what they wanted to be in the 7th grade". uhm, yeah. As a kid i wanted to be many things. A ballerina, a veterinarian, a go-go dancer in a fringe dress in a glass-bottom cage, a gypsy in a Vargo, a Fame or Solid Gold Dancer (dancer apparently came up as soon as i could walk and talk at the same time), i suppose a doctor and a teacher each came up. But in everything, from about 10 on, i wanted to be a mom. i always played at baby dolls and with Christopher Robin, my teddy, but Mommy was my main goal in life. and i knew i wanted 5 kids, 3 girls and 2 boys. And God listened. i mean, he changed it up but i got it. sort of. I have 6 kids, 4 of my own and 2 step kids (that 5 falling comfortably in-between). To add to that he let my dance. Okay, not on Fame, Solid Gold, as a Go-go dancer, as a performer or a profession but dance i did, and sometimes do. I have a fringed skirt, i've moved around a lot with my husband's job, living better than a gypsy. And i work with kids as a teacher assistant in a day care.
On top of that i wanted to live in or see Georgetown in D.C, London, Venice, Ireland, Africa, Japan...all of which i have. For my lessons he often let me date the guys i wanted. uh, yeah. thanks God.
On top of that i wanted to live in or see Georgetown in D.C, London, Venice, Ireland, Africa, Japan...all of which i have. For my lessons he often let me date the guys i wanted. uh, yeah. thanks God.
But he listens. and though i am a very poor example of a Christian (i'm more of a christian) i am one. I'm actually a lot more Christo/Native American/Buddhist if that is such a thing, but God is the one i speak to and the one i think listens.
Something else he listened to was my desire for a daughter. I was unmarried and "dating" around. I said repeatedly that i wanted a lil girl when my youngest boy turned 7. Then i met a guy i had no right to be seeing and got pregnant. My son turned 7 in March and she was borne in June. And here's the clincher, i was told i was pregnant. Very literally within minutes of "the act" i was told, yes a voice in my head, "yes you are and it's okay" and i knew. A complete sense of peace washed over me. I wasn't freaked out because, yes this sounds all very weird and like i drink too much, this was the second time it happened. The speaking i mean. but those are other stories and i digress. The point is God listens. i believe that. And i just felt like i needed to say it.
Sometimes, all to often actually, we think he doesn't. i think it's because we are so busy causing a commotion by being selfish or arrogant or stingy or.... that we can't here him. but he's there. and he's listening. And for that i'm truly thankful.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
I'm not a warrior
that's what he said. He was all in tears and very upset. It's something in the way his tender heart works, taking things from one topic to another and ultimately leaving him feeling deflated, defeated, crushed. It all started on the way in from Scouts. "Where did all the fish go after the flood?" "That's a good question to ask God when you die." really? that's the answer? place in a child's head the thought of dying simply because he wants to be educated on history? on faith? on fish?
he curled up next to me crying and we cuddled in my big bed and talked. And he realized that, though his father is a fighter, he is not. he is a lil boy. he likes toy guns, Nerf guns, toy swords, SCA fighting, untrained Power Ranger kicks...but he is not and will never be (THANK GOD!!!) a fighter.
"I'm not a warrior, Mommy." and i said, "i know."
"But, wait, you are. There are different types of warriors. You may never be a Marine like you thought, you may decide not to fight in the SCA. You are a different kind of warrior."
We discussed things like Doctors without Borders and how they change people's lives. In the past we've discussed how some people build schools and homes, how people do good things in their communities like working the food banks, serving at shelters, sending up prayers for people whether you know them or not because it's all they can do. I reminded him that he grew his hair out several times and faced bullying because he wanted to donate it to Locks of Love. I told him, "See, you are a warrior. You are the kind that heals."
He dried his eyes. He was happy to learn that he wasn't "not a warrior", but instead he was the type of warrior the builds. Builds hope, and healing, and dreams, and love. He's happy to know that, just because dad fights, doesn't mean he has to. And i don't think he wants to. And i'm happy, too.
he curled up next to me crying and we cuddled in my big bed and talked. And he realized that, though his father is a fighter, he is not. he is a lil boy. he likes toy guns, Nerf guns, toy swords, SCA fighting, untrained Power Ranger kicks...but he is not and will never be (THANK GOD!!!) a fighter.
"I'm not a warrior, Mommy." and i said, "i know."
"But, wait, you are. There are different types of warriors. You may never be a Marine like you thought, you may decide not to fight in the SCA. You are a different kind of warrior."
We discussed things like Doctors without Borders and how they change people's lives. In the past we've discussed how some people build schools and homes, how people do good things in their communities like working the food banks, serving at shelters, sending up prayers for people whether you know them or not because it's all they can do. I reminded him that he grew his hair out several times and faced bullying because he wanted to donate it to Locks of Love. I told him, "See, you are a warrior. You are the kind that heals."
He dried his eyes. He was happy to learn that he wasn't "not a warrior", but instead he was the type of warrior the builds. Builds hope, and healing, and dreams, and love. He's happy to know that, just because dad fights, doesn't mean he has to. And i don't think he wants to. And i'm happy, too.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Is it wretched of me? Is it mean and selfish? i'm supposed to be trying to get well and have a lovely Girls' Night In with Echo, and it's been fun, but i'm bored. My ass hurts from sitting here watching all the films we never get to watch because the boys don't want to.
We've painted, she so much better and nicer than i. We've sewn. her cupcakes, me a tiger. She's painted my toenails, made cookies (which i ate about 6 of), warmed and brought me ribs, is making us popcorn....we are nostril deep in Marilyn Monroe movies, an Audrey Hepburn film (Sabrina), and now the newer Sabrina. I think there is at least a musical in our future... but, as much s i love this, as much as i love just being Girls, as much as i enjoy the lack of stress in the house i'm bored.
My creative bursts are gone. I failed gloriously at embroidery and, wow, my daughter just chewed me out for being on the computer all day.
Yeah. and she is conversing with Harrison Ford about who is the most handsome. ~sigh!
so, yeah, wrecked and vile. The stress of relaxing and resting.
We've painted, she so much better and nicer than i. We've sewn. her cupcakes, me a tiger. She's painted my toenails, made cookies (which i ate about 6 of), warmed and brought me ribs, is making us popcorn....we are nostril deep in Marilyn Monroe movies, an Audrey Hepburn film (Sabrina), and now the newer Sabrina. I think there is at least a musical in our future... but, as much s i love this, as much as i love just being Girls, as much as i enjoy the lack of stress in the house i'm bored.
My creative bursts are gone. I failed gloriously at embroidery and, wow, my daughter just chewed me out for being on the computer all day.
Yeah. and she is conversing with Harrison Ford about who is the most handsome. ~sigh!
so, yeah, wrecked and vile. The stress of relaxing and resting.
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