Wednesday, March 5, 2014
18 unintentional life lessons in 1 tired conversations with my daughter
A few nights ago we attended a dinner out with peers of my husband. It lasted about 5.5 hours and the kids had a difficult time. They were concerned, uncomfortable, and nervous. But they did well, considering Jules fell asleep on the table after dinner.
Once our end of the table either left or moved off to the other corner, thus leaving EC and I alone with a sleeping Juj, so we did as women do. We talked. She started with how nervous it made her that the people who spoke with her (who were very nice) asked her straight off the bat about school, college (their 3rd question) and then religion and church (about questions 10-12). She felt very Put-On-The-Spot.
From there we just progressed. By the end of the night she had told me several times i should write motivational posters and when we got home she wrote me a list of 18 lessons i taught her. I told her i'd try to blog them so this is for E.
1: Everything is choices.
I'm starting with CHOICES, because i believe everything starts there. Short of doing everything "right" and then getting sick, losing your job, and winding up homeless i believe that almost everything in our lives is a choice. I used that and the college thing as examples with E. If she goes to Uni and learns her major is not what she hoped or liked she can choose to change and do something else. If her job, her relationship, whatever is bad, unfulfilling, toxic...she can choose to change and do something else.
Which i guess leads me to
2: It's not over til your dead
That's the starting over thing. we've seen stories of people in their 80's who just start learning to read, who graduate college, or maybe just the sixth grade. We see people who lose lots of weight, leave abusive relationships, get off drugs and alcohol...because your life isn't over until you are dead so stop living like you are already gone.
I know that sounds stupid cause i wallow in depression and/or self-pity myself, but seriously. Stop giving up.
3: Never begin with "I can't"
stop setting yourself up for failure. Sometimes we psych ourselves out and then we just fail. It's nice to have people who have confidence in you but having confidence in yourself is so much better, and more important. Be your own cheerleader because if you don't give yourself the best who will?
4 and 5: Stop Bitching and Let Go and Let God
I think these go together. Because life gets tough. Days get hard. somethings Freaking SUCK! and we get stressed and we can yell and scream and curse and blame. We blame our loved ones, our kids, our jobs, our choices, God....Or....we can go, "well, that sucks" and let go and let God handle it. Because, even if we don't talk to him or with him or at him, or even believe in him i believe He's listening and knows.
this morning after dropping E off at the bus stop i turned around to go home in a drive way, backed into snow and onto ice and got stuck. I used the F word some but i did have a car behind me, a school bus behind it, and my daughter's bus in front of me. I flipped out a lil bit, opened my door, assessed the situation, backed up twice more and got right out. The bus driver smiled and waved.
6: This isn't the end
i think this probably went with "It's not over til your dead". Stop being fatalistic. not getting the part, the job, the grade, the whatever is not going to end your world. Dust Bunnies, dirty dishes, trash cans full, cluttered spaces....not the end of the world. If you don't get your way, your new IPOD, your new clothes, if the people in your house aren't treating you like the God or Goddess you think you are... well on that last one Get Over Yourself! because it's not the end of the world.
that might be a good place to look back at the previous thoughts. You, yeah you, Diva! Jerk-Wad, whomever, Stop Bitching, make new choices, let go and Let God, say you can and do better by yourself.
7: It's not a dead end or a road block.
maybe the last one was this, i dunno, but i think so. When you are trying real hard and you hit that road block or dead end, the one that pissed you off up in # 4-5 you need to stop. stop and breathe. Catch your breath. It might be more of a suggestion to change your direction. Perhaps straight up the hill to the top (because perhaps you are trying be succeed at everything in your life and be perfect) will lead you straight off a cliff. Maybe if you stop, back up, look at your options, and go the long way around you will see inch worms, and flowers, and birds, and deer, and after you've seen a bunch of beautiful stuff that wasn't on your other path you find yourself somewhere even better and higher up than what you thought you were aiming at. Who knows, you might like it a lot better, too.
~~ btw, the cliff thing happened to me. a few of us jumped in a guy's jeep to go mudding. We came zipping up a hill to find a big tree in the way so we had to turn back and go a different way. The next day the driver went back to move the tree and found a HUGE drop-off. We coulda been killed if that tree wasn't there.
8: Take it all in
Have you ever gone on a walk with someone with real freakin long legs who walks way too fast and leaves you behind? yeah. All too often. When that happens (ed) with me and my kids we slow down. Let Speedy Pants go on. We see dandelions pushing their way up to sunlight through sidewalk cracks. We play with inchworms (i love inch worms). We listen to the birds and try to find them in the trees. We watch for frogs. We help over-turned turtles. We make up songs about our walk. We describe the colours of the houses or grass or sky. We see things in the clouds. And we wouldn't have if we'd run to catch up, leaving us breathless and winded. And we wouldn't have had any fun.
9: Don't miss a moment
I don't remember what that was about but it sounds very much like #8, doesn't it? hmm...
10: Everyone learns differently
I am a poor student. I learn best in a traditional class where i hear it being said, I write it as i say it to myself, and i either copy it again Or i do it. That's my learning style. I would rather get all of my teeth root canalled than sit through most lectures and believe most lecturers should be required to take singing lessons so there is some sort of variation in their voice so as not to induce comas.
I think we, all too often, think that people have to learn in our styles and so we teach that way. Stop it! (okay, i'm getting grumpy. I'm on a freaking diety cleansey thing and i'm starving. sorry) be patient, learn their learning style, maybe you'll learn something too.
11: You are here to help. Push them higher, not harder.
Does that even need explanation? i constantly repeat myself with "don't be aggressive, be assertive" or "there is criticism and constructive criticism". Does that make sense? To some people that i know it doesn't and they refuse to believe in it. Too bad for them because i know they are not building allies when they are aggressive and critical. Think about when you were a kid. Did this happen to you? One time you get told, " (insert name), it's bed/dinner time. Clean up the toys and wash up". smiling face, nice voice. another time you get, "Get these damn toys picked up and wash up! It's bed/dinner time!" yelling, angry, aggressive. Do you remember how it feels? Do you still live with that aggressive, critical voice inside you? because that voice crawls inside us like a parasite and eats away at our self confidence, self, value, and self worth.
We are supposed to lead by example. not just our kids, our students, but as a human being, sharing the Earth and oxygen and space around us. If you have to be first and walk ahead of everyone else, stop when you get to a hill and turn around. This is the time to reach down and pull everyone else up.
12: Have someone with you on the journey
Life is a journey. Oh! there's a cliche for you!!! and if it's more like life is a daily freakin grind so you can go mountain climbing in 3 weeks then, hey, that works. Take someone with you on the journey. Whether physically, emotionally, spiritually...take someone with you. Even Timmy had Lassie, right? If only to hold the camera when you get to the top...no. not really. You need someone. We all need someone. For those long quiet days, both the pleasantly peaceful ones and the soul-sucking ones. Through the glorious afternoons of sun and adventures and the dark scary nights fighting off the demons we mighta brought along. If we get hurt or lost. If we get frightened, when we are elated. During the pain of losing or the joy of succeeding. We need someone to share that with. Someone who will only support you and love you and cheer for you and celebrate you. And they need you too, because you are on their journey as well.
13: A constant incline can send you falling backwards
of course it was getting very late and i don't remember but i'll try to give you at least the analogies i used to make this point.
Imagine you have worked your butt off in school, from K to 12, to be the perfect student. Never miss a day, never be sick even when you are, perfect grades, perfect everything. College. no time for parties and not much for hanging out. Wanna graduate early and top of the class. Perfect job, perfect family, perfect perfectness every single day or every single year of your life. But it's hard. You are basically running uphill from the time you are 5. Non-stop, don't breathe, keep running, faster, be better, be the best, win! Win! WIN!!! And somewhere underneath a lil voice says, "i'm really tired".
Or
After 4 kids (or 2 kids. or 1 kid) you've put on weight and you exercise and you quit eating carbs and sugar and soda and you are exhausted but you keep up the hard work. You've lost some but, Crap! something is going wrong. stress? relationship? illness? death? and you eat. Cause apparently it's what we do. We bring food to those we care about. And it gets eaten.
If you constantly go upwards and never stop for a breath you can lose your footing and fall. That's where that friend on your journey can help. So look for a plateau.
14: A plateau is just that, it's a pause
When we were in Italy we went to a mountain top in July. Way the heck up there. I was terrified. In a ski lift and in a gondola. Then some on foot. I was exhausted. Up up up, and i couldn't catch my breath. but then we came to a plateau. And it was wonderful. Not only did it have the most beautiful view of the towns like little faerie villages, but flowers i hadn't noticed, i could taste the air. It was sweet and pure. I could catch my breath. We had a snack and the kids played. People were sunning themselves. It was the perfect way to regroup before we soldiered on. Of course, in that case we then walked down the mountain. But if we hadn't had a plateau before the next part of our journey i don't know how i would have made it.
15: Perfect isn't real.
for the Christians out there (okay i know there is like only 2 or 3 people who read this and only 1 is Christian) no one is perfect or ever was, right? except..... right. And unless you think we are a God or son-thereof we aren't either. And we aren't meant to be. Oh, and if you think you are Godlike then you are also delusional and ought to seek help. There is nothing about you, personally that is perfect. If you do the mirror test, separating the left and right sides of your body you will see you are not symmetrical, thus not perfect. Things didn't go exactly as you planned? cause life isn't perfect.
I sometimes say I'm perfect in my imperfections. I may gripe about not being tall, skinny, young, sexy, brilliant.....blahblahblah but i'm okay. i have scars, i have a crooked spine and slanted neck. I have bad eyes. but that's okay. I'm not perfect. I don't want to be.
I have this collection of bowls. I have my ugly bowl i bought for 2$ at an event. It's been broken and glued back together. I have my vintage pink and white bowl. Also glued. and another bowl, glued. And this one...glued? nope. but chipped. I love my broken bowls. I love crooked cups. I like looking at the imperfects in ceramic and glass shops. Nothing in it perfect. And i love them all better than a set of undinged, perfect bowls and cups.
16: Perfect would suck
this had more to do with individuality than perfection. If you/they/whomever (think Middle and HS girls) have decided what is perfect and everyone works to achieve that than that would suck. I mean, they don't need to because the modelling and fashion world has done that for us. That's why we have sick, anorexic, bulimic kids literally dying to be the best and be perfect. Then you read stories of models killing themselves because of the pressure. Why would we strive for perfect when perfect doesn't exist. The thigh gap? really? the hourglass figure? the perfect tan even? the things we stupidly do to get accepted and reach an unattainable goal. Perfect would be boring and it sucks. Love your imperfections and uniqueness.
17: You aren't perfect but you are vital
I do not remember saying that but i agree. And i don't know what to say on it.
Since perfect is not real and you are then be the best you you can be. Are you a softy? Do you care too much? Do you give too much? Do you cry too easily for those you love? then you aren't perfect. You are better. You are human.
18: Remember how it feels
remember way back in number 11? that kid who just got yelled at? the one who didn't? Do you remember hearing 1 kid get an, "I love you" but you didn't? Do you remember doing all the work when someone else got to sit down and do no work? Do you remember when you won and Mom (or Dad, or Grandma...) was super proud of you and told everyone. Including the bank teller, dentist, grocery bagger, mailman, vet....?
Hold on to that the next time a child comes to you. You are an adult an you are in the position or raising up or dashing down a child's soul. And it might not be a child. Maybe a teen. Or another adult. Remember how it feels when you are hurt, when people are mean and rude to you. When people are kind to you, or smile at you and hold the door for you.
19: This loves you. This has feelings. Nothing is more important
you know, we as adults have our signals all messed up. We think our lives are so important and that we are more important than those around us. Too often "those around us" are our children. How often are we on the stupid computer, on the phone, watching tv, playing a video game, reading a book, whatever and we ignore our kid. Or we "listen" to them in that way that we are present with them and just agree but don't actually hear what they've said. And when we get interrupted from our precious whatever, usually in our "ME" time, or we don't know what the kid is talking about (even though they've said it repeatedly for weeks-"it's a field trip and the permission slip isn't signed. you said you'd pay but you didn't and now i have to sit in ISS unless you do") how do we react? Screaming too easily comes to mind. And maybe not our kid, maybe our spouse, our parent, sibling, niece or nephew, neighbor.... but just think, our kid.
or someone we love, we tell them we love them so why aren't we showing them?
Does your book and video game and snack and beer and computer get hurt when you ignore it? when you yell at it? when you treat it like it's unimportant, as if it were an inanimate object?
Does your child? does your spouse. Does anyone around you? Next time you yell and scream at your child or loved one watch their face. Is that the sense of love you've given them? Do they look like they feel loved?
Every time we put our child in that position we are hurting them. We do not hurt the ones we love. Love doesn't hurt.
So, E said 18. I wrote 19 and one is actually doubled up, so that's 20. But there it is.
Once our end of the table either left or moved off to the other corner, thus leaving EC and I alone with a sleeping Juj, so we did as women do. We talked. She started with how nervous it made her that the people who spoke with her (who were very nice) asked her straight off the bat about school, college (their 3rd question) and then religion and church (about questions 10-12). She felt very Put-On-The-Spot.
From there we just progressed. By the end of the night she had told me several times i should write motivational posters and when we got home she wrote me a list of 18 lessons i taught her. I told her i'd try to blog them so this is for E.
1: Everything is choices.
I'm starting with CHOICES, because i believe everything starts there. Short of doing everything "right" and then getting sick, losing your job, and winding up homeless i believe that almost everything in our lives is a choice. I used that and the college thing as examples with E. If she goes to Uni and learns her major is not what she hoped or liked she can choose to change and do something else. If her job, her relationship, whatever is bad, unfulfilling, toxic...she can choose to change and do something else.
Which i guess leads me to
2: It's not over til your dead
That's the starting over thing. we've seen stories of people in their 80's who just start learning to read, who graduate college, or maybe just the sixth grade. We see people who lose lots of weight, leave abusive relationships, get off drugs and alcohol...because your life isn't over until you are dead so stop living like you are already gone.
I know that sounds stupid cause i wallow in depression and/or self-pity myself, but seriously. Stop giving up.
3: Never begin with "I can't"
stop setting yourself up for failure. Sometimes we psych ourselves out and then we just fail. It's nice to have people who have confidence in you but having confidence in yourself is so much better, and more important. Be your own cheerleader because if you don't give yourself the best who will?
4 and 5: Stop Bitching and Let Go and Let God
I think these go together. Because life gets tough. Days get hard. somethings Freaking SUCK! and we get stressed and we can yell and scream and curse and blame. We blame our loved ones, our kids, our jobs, our choices, God....Or....we can go, "well, that sucks" and let go and let God handle it. Because, even if we don't talk to him or with him or at him, or even believe in him i believe He's listening and knows.
this morning after dropping E off at the bus stop i turned around to go home in a drive way, backed into snow and onto ice and got stuck. I used the F word some but i did have a car behind me, a school bus behind it, and my daughter's bus in front of me. I flipped out a lil bit, opened my door, assessed the situation, backed up twice more and got right out. The bus driver smiled and waved.
6: This isn't the end
i think this probably went with "It's not over til your dead". Stop being fatalistic. not getting the part, the job, the grade, the whatever is not going to end your world. Dust Bunnies, dirty dishes, trash cans full, cluttered spaces....not the end of the world. If you don't get your way, your new IPOD, your new clothes, if the people in your house aren't treating you like the God or Goddess you think you are... well on that last one Get Over Yourself! because it's not the end of the world.
that might be a good place to look back at the previous thoughts. You, yeah you, Diva! Jerk-Wad, whomever, Stop Bitching, make new choices, let go and Let God, say you can and do better by yourself.
7: It's not a dead end or a road block.
maybe the last one was this, i dunno, but i think so. When you are trying real hard and you hit that road block or dead end, the one that pissed you off up in # 4-5 you need to stop. stop and breathe. Catch your breath. It might be more of a suggestion to change your direction. Perhaps straight up the hill to the top (because perhaps you are trying be succeed at everything in your life and be perfect) will lead you straight off a cliff. Maybe if you stop, back up, look at your options, and go the long way around you will see inch worms, and flowers, and birds, and deer, and after you've seen a bunch of beautiful stuff that wasn't on your other path you find yourself somewhere even better and higher up than what you thought you were aiming at. Who knows, you might like it a lot better, too.
~~ btw, the cliff thing happened to me. a few of us jumped in a guy's jeep to go mudding. We came zipping up a hill to find a big tree in the way so we had to turn back and go a different way. The next day the driver went back to move the tree and found a HUGE drop-off. We coulda been killed if that tree wasn't there.
8: Take it all in
Have you ever gone on a walk with someone with real freakin long legs who walks way too fast and leaves you behind? yeah. All too often. When that happens (ed) with me and my kids we slow down. Let Speedy Pants go on. We see dandelions pushing their way up to sunlight through sidewalk cracks. We play with inchworms (i love inch worms). We listen to the birds and try to find them in the trees. We watch for frogs. We help over-turned turtles. We make up songs about our walk. We describe the colours of the houses or grass or sky. We see things in the clouds. And we wouldn't have if we'd run to catch up, leaving us breathless and winded. And we wouldn't have had any fun.
9: Don't miss a moment
I don't remember what that was about but it sounds very much like #8, doesn't it? hmm...
10: Everyone learns differently
I am a poor student. I learn best in a traditional class where i hear it being said, I write it as i say it to myself, and i either copy it again Or i do it. That's my learning style. I would rather get all of my teeth root canalled than sit through most lectures and believe most lecturers should be required to take singing lessons so there is some sort of variation in their voice so as not to induce comas.
I think we, all too often, think that people have to learn in our styles and so we teach that way. Stop it! (okay, i'm getting grumpy. I'm on a freaking diety cleansey thing and i'm starving. sorry) be patient, learn their learning style, maybe you'll learn something too.
11: You are here to help. Push them higher, not harder.
Does that even need explanation? i constantly repeat myself with "don't be aggressive, be assertive" or "there is criticism and constructive criticism". Does that make sense? To some people that i know it doesn't and they refuse to believe in it. Too bad for them because i know they are not building allies when they are aggressive and critical. Think about when you were a kid. Did this happen to you? One time you get told, " (insert name), it's bed/dinner time. Clean up the toys and wash up". smiling face, nice voice. another time you get, "Get these damn toys picked up and wash up! It's bed/dinner time!" yelling, angry, aggressive. Do you remember how it feels? Do you still live with that aggressive, critical voice inside you? because that voice crawls inside us like a parasite and eats away at our self confidence, self, value, and self worth.
We are supposed to lead by example. not just our kids, our students, but as a human being, sharing the Earth and oxygen and space around us. If you have to be first and walk ahead of everyone else, stop when you get to a hill and turn around. This is the time to reach down and pull everyone else up.
12: Have someone with you on the journey
Life is a journey. Oh! there's a cliche for you!!! and if it's more like life is a daily freakin grind so you can go mountain climbing in 3 weeks then, hey, that works. Take someone with you on the journey. Whether physically, emotionally, spiritually...take someone with you. Even Timmy had Lassie, right? If only to hold the camera when you get to the top...no. not really. You need someone. We all need someone. For those long quiet days, both the pleasantly peaceful ones and the soul-sucking ones. Through the glorious afternoons of sun and adventures and the dark scary nights fighting off the demons we mighta brought along. If we get hurt or lost. If we get frightened, when we are elated. During the pain of losing or the joy of succeeding. We need someone to share that with. Someone who will only support you and love you and cheer for you and celebrate you. And they need you too, because you are on their journey as well.
13: A constant incline can send you falling backwards
of course it was getting very late and i don't remember but i'll try to give you at least the analogies i used to make this point.
Imagine you have worked your butt off in school, from K to 12, to be the perfect student. Never miss a day, never be sick even when you are, perfect grades, perfect everything. College. no time for parties and not much for hanging out. Wanna graduate early and top of the class. Perfect job, perfect family, perfect perfectness every single day or every single year of your life. But it's hard. You are basically running uphill from the time you are 5. Non-stop, don't breathe, keep running, faster, be better, be the best, win! Win! WIN!!! And somewhere underneath a lil voice says, "i'm really tired".
Or
After 4 kids (or 2 kids. or 1 kid) you've put on weight and you exercise and you quit eating carbs and sugar and soda and you are exhausted but you keep up the hard work. You've lost some but, Crap! something is going wrong. stress? relationship? illness? death? and you eat. Cause apparently it's what we do. We bring food to those we care about. And it gets eaten.
If you constantly go upwards and never stop for a breath you can lose your footing and fall. That's where that friend on your journey can help. So look for a plateau.
14: A plateau is just that, it's a pause
When we were in Italy we went to a mountain top in July. Way the heck up there. I was terrified. In a ski lift and in a gondola. Then some on foot. I was exhausted. Up up up, and i couldn't catch my breath. but then we came to a plateau. And it was wonderful. Not only did it have the most beautiful view of the towns like little faerie villages, but flowers i hadn't noticed, i could taste the air. It was sweet and pure. I could catch my breath. We had a snack and the kids played. People were sunning themselves. It was the perfect way to regroup before we soldiered on. Of course, in that case we then walked down the mountain. But if we hadn't had a plateau before the next part of our journey i don't know how i would have made it.
15: Perfect isn't real.
for the Christians out there (okay i know there is like only 2 or 3 people who read this and only 1 is Christian) no one is perfect or ever was, right? except..... right. And unless you think we are a God or son-thereof we aren't either. And we aren't meant to be. Oh, and if you think you are Godlike then you are also delusional and ought to seek help. There is nothing about you, personally that is perfect. If you do the mirror test, separating the left and right sides of your body you will see you are not symmetrical, thus not perfect. Things didn't go exactly as you planned? cause life isn't perfect.
I sometimes say I'm perfect in my imperfections. I may gripe about not being tall, skinny, young, sexy, brilliant.....blahblahblah but i'm okay. i have scars, i have a crooked spine and slanted neck. I have bad eyes. but that's okay. I'm not perfect. I don't want to be.
I have this collection of bowls. I have my ugly bowl i bought for 2$ at an event. It's been broken and glued back together. I have my vintage pink and white bowl. Also glued. and another bowl, glued. And this one...glued? nope. but chipped. I love my broken bowls. I love crooked cups. I like looking at the imperfects in ceramic and glass shops. Nothing in it perfect. And i love them all better than a set of undinged, perfect bowls and cups.
16: Perfect would suck
this had more to do with individuality than perfection. If you/they/whomever (think Middle and HS girls) have decided what is perfect and everyone works to achieve that than that would suck. I mean, they don't need to because the modelling and fashion world has done that for us. That's why we have sick, anorexic, bulimic kids literally dying to be the best and be perfect. Then you read stories of models killing themselves because of the pressure. Why would we strive for perfect when perfect doesn't exist. The thigh gap? really? the hourglass figure? the perfect tan even? the things we stupidly do to get accepted and reach an unattainable goal. Perfect would be boring and it sucks. Love your imperfections and uniqueness.
17: You aren't perfect but you are vital
I do not remember saying that but i agree. And i don't know what to say on it.
Since perfect is not real and you are then be the best you you can be. Are you a softy? Do you care too much? Do you give too much? Do you cry too easily for those you love? then you aren't perfect. You are better. You are human.
18: Remember how it feels
remember way back in number 11? that kid who just got yelled at? the one who didn't? Do you remember hearing 1 kid get an, "I love you" but you didn't? Do you remember doing all the work when someone else got to sit down and do no work? Do you remember when you won and Mom (or Dad, or Grandma...) was super proud of you and told everyone. Including the bank teller, dentist, grocery bagger, mailman, vet....?
Hold on to that the next time a child comes to you. You are an adult an you are in the position or raising up or dashing down a child's soul. And it might not be a child. Maybe a teen. Or another adult. Remember how it feels when you are hurt, when people are mean and rude to you. When people are kind to you, or smile at you and hold the door for you.
19: This loves you. This has feelings. Nothing is more important
you know, we as adults have our signals all messed up. We think our lives are so important and that we are more important than those around us. Too often "those around us" are our children. How often are we on the stupid computer, on the phone, watching tv, playing a video game, reading a book, whatever and we ignore our kid. Or we "listen" to them in that way that we are present with them and just agree but don't actually hear what they've said. And when we get interrupted from our precious whatever, usually in our "ME" time, or we don't know what the kid is talking about (even though they've said it repeatedly for weeks-"it's a field trip and the permission slip isn't signed. you said you'd pay but you didn't and now i have to sit in ISS unless you do") how do we react? Screaming too easily comes to mind. And maybe not our kid, maybe our spouse, our parent, sibling, niece or nephew, neighbor.... but just think, our kid.
or someone we love, we tell them we love them so why aren't we showing them?
Does your book and video game and snack and beer and computer get hurt when you ignore it? when you yell at it? when you treat it like it's unimportant, as if it were an inanimate object?
Does your child? does your spouse. Does anyone around you? Next time you yell and scream at your child or loved one watch their face. Is that the sense of love you've given them? Do they look like they feel loved?
Every time we put our child in that position we are hurting them. We do not hurt the ones we love. Love doesn't hurt.
So, E said 18. I wrote 19 and one is actually doubled up, so that's 20. But there it is.
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