i signed up for Daily Truths from Brave Girl.  i don't think of myself as a Brave  Girl.  Maybe that's why i signed up, so they could help me  be brave enough to become one.
  They've been sending me some real good ones, very opportune or appropriate for how i feel. Today i got this:
             
    Dear Brave Girl,

It starts with that first, really scary step, that step that we sometimes spend years avoiding and procrastinating, and that we often tell ourselves day after day that we will finally take 'tomorrow'.

What is so scary about that first step?

First, let's put it into perspective and what it really is. It's just a step, lovely. Just a step. You don't have to decide right now if you will take the next step after the first one.

Just commit to that first scary step. Put the silly fears out of your mind. It doesn't matter what others think about that first step. It doesn't matter if your first step is clumsy or looks ridiculous or if it doesn't get you as far as you thought it would.

It doesn't matter if you fall that first time. It doesn't matter.

You know you want to take that step or it wouldn't be burning it your heart the way it is, the way it has been for so long.

One thing is for sure. You can stop after you take that first step, or you can take another one, and then another. You get to choose.

Remember that without taking that first step, you will NEVER get to where you truly want to be because you will still be where you are NOW.

You can do it. Start today! You are so brave. And you are so loved.

xoxo


It immediately made me think of skiing the Zugspitze, the highest mountain in Germany.  Then we did Cervinia, the Matterhorn.  It was terrifying. They both were.
    Cervinia:
    Consider first, i'm afraid of heights, i'm not athletic, i hate the cold, i don't enjoy falling (though i think there are great lessons to be learned from doing so),  It was about my 3rd time skiing, my 2nd "successfully" (meaning i didn't spend the whole time trying to get back up and wishing i weren't there).   Oh yeah, and it quickly became White-Out conditions, which was not helpful as i have depth-perception issues and was more than likely suffering from altitude sickness.
    upon getting there i was scared with a side of excited.  i try to teach my kids to see things as an adventure, whether they want to be there or not. Because the option to being on an adventure is staying home and never doing anything.
     as we ascended i began feeling heavy-headed (as opposed to light).  the nausea was coming on. i thought i was going to spend all my time in the bathroom being sick.  That was just the first leg up the mountain.  It was incredible but i didn't feel well.   The one that took us up to ski down was so much worse.  I was terrified i was going to fall out of the lift (i think it's a lift) then we had to ski off it to the left so we could ski down.  I was with Echo, my likewise terrified daughter.  As we skiied off the lift to the top to go down the terror really hit.  Echo was very literally hysterical.  Her knees were locked half buckled, tears were freezing as they fell down her cheeks, and she was almost at a scream, crying.  That's where my terror  had to take a back seat.  I say all the time that if you are freaking out you can't do what needs to be done. Though i don't always know what needs to be done, i just don't do hysterics too much. 
     i told her we'd go down together just a lil at a time and we did.  i didn't know at what point we were but before long we were almost down and then there we were.  Done.  We caught our breath, took a break and took a second run.  It was better.  We noticed how short the run actually was and even had fun. (let me interject: my annoying-then-aged-10 son was skiing like a freaking PRO! the 3 of us learned together) 
                       Of course at this point my nausea was so much worse. I was seriously dizzy but fought the urge to fall down.  My body said, "Alicia, you are done".  I was done before i got there but being me, a disobedient brat, i carried on.  Then i told my hub i'd go one more time.  Stupid.  Seriously, when your body tells you that you are done, listen to it.  It's smarter than you most of the time.  The last ascent up i thought i was going to pass out.  The snow became fierce and fast and as we got to the top i realized i couldn't see passed myself.  It had reached White-Out and there was no way out but down the mountain i couldn't see in front of and under me.  I knew G was there, i could kinda of hear him hollering for me somewhere.  Our friend already had the kids down the mountain but i now struggled for every breathe, for each small move forward.  I was dizzy standing still and kept falling down because there was no up, left, forward, back, right...  only down.  I knew if i went too far either left or right i'd ski right off the mountain and thought i'd probably die.  I'd go about 12 feet, if i were lucky, and fall over.
     Lying in the snow i learned how people freeze to death.  There, lying in the cold, getting covered in white on a mountain, in a white outfit nonetheless, no one would have been able to find me.  I could breath lying down.  I wasn't dizzy lying down.  I could have easily, peacefully fallen asleep right there.  I remembered how they always say, "never fall asleep because your body temp drops".  I completely understood that and was okay with that. Not that i wanted to die, just that i was at peace and i was okay with it.  But i could hear G calling for me in the distance and i thought how the kids must be afraid of where i was.  How they'd be afraid if i didn't come down that mountain in that strengthening snowstorm. It was for them, my kids at the bottom waiting for me, my friend who was watching my kids there, and my hub who's voice was getting more concerned and stressed as he couldn't find me that i repeatedly got back up.  Because that peace was welcoming.
    I got up over and over and got my self down that mountain following my hub who never left me, to my kids who were crying, and our friend, cool and collected.  It was time to go.  My head came back to me on our descent.  It was scary but it's done.  We live, we have stories to tell, and i'm happily at an elevation i can stand on. 

    What stuck me, as i read this mornings Truth, was that there are things in my every day life that scare me as much if not more than that mountain.  I just recently got fired from that library job. (did i tell you i got a job yeah.  about 1 month only)  Anyway, with no appropriate explaination, no warnings, no talking about things i was fired.  I'm not overly upset that i am no longer gainfully employed but the act that i was Fired is what bothers me.  with my already highly diminished and diminishing lack of self esteem, confidence, and worth that was sorely recieved.  Just one more failure in my life.  I am afraid to go back out when we get posted next because i feel like i'm just going to fail.  I'm afraid it'll look bad on my spouse and his job.  I'm afraid i'll let down my family, that i do already.  I get comfortable never leaving the house and, though i love being out in the world, i get afraid that it won't go well, whatever IT is.  And i'm usually wrong.  But i'm a pessimist.
    And i wonder how i can ski down those mountains but not walk out that door into my life.  i have no answer though i feel it's staring me in the face.
     I enjoy getting these Truths daily.  I am not one of those who can post daily affirmations to myself.  I know me and i feel like i'm lying to myself and setting myself up to fail.  I don't take compliments well (recieved a beautiful one yesterday which touched my heart) but i do try very hard to take my friends' words of love and comfort to heart, to have faith in them, and believe.  This is what i get every time i read my Daily Truth.  i look forward to it every day.  I usually wait til i'm home alone with my Woof so i can savour it and hoard it and appreciate it to it's fullest. And then i can share it if i need to.        Thank you, Brave Girl Club   <3



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